5097 
"8 Exchanged. 

y 1 - 



^ 



fl, 15 Centt. 



ER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. 



Z* 



No. 13. 



Aunt Charlotte's Maid. 



/ 



A Faroe, {(i ©ne A;Gt. 



BY J. m:. m:orton. 



'-^ BOSTON: 

GEORGE M. BAKER & CO. 
149 Washington Street. 



* SPENCER'S UmVEHSAL STAQE. 



1 



^ Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public 

or Private 'Performance. Containing a full description of all 

the necessary Stage Business. 



O 3. 



^} 



6. 



10 



11 



PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. ^^^ No Plays exchanged. 



Tioat in LiOiidon. A Drama in 

Three Acts. 6 Male, 4 Female cliar- 

acters. 
Nicholas Flam. A Comedy in Two 

Acts. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 

3 Female characters. 



The TVelsh «irl. A Comedy in 
One Act. By Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 
2 Female characters. 

4. John Wopps. A Farce in One Act. 

By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

5. The Turkish JBath. A Farce in 

One Act. By Montague Williams 
and F. C. Buruand. 6 Male, 1 Fe- 
male character. 

The Two Putldifoots. A Farce 
in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

Old Honesty. A Comic Drama In 
Two Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

Ttvo Oentienien in a Fix. A 
Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 

2 Male characters. 
Smash! ngtou Ooit. A Farce in 

One Act. By T. J. Williams. 5 Male, 

3 Female characters. 
Tvro Heads Better thanOne. A 

Farce in One Act. By Lenox Home. 

4 Male, 1 Female character. 

John I>obb8. A Farce in One Act. 
By J. M. Morton. 6 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

12. The Daughter of the Begi- 

ment. A Drama in Two Acts. By 
Edward Fitzball. Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

13. Aunt Charlotte's Maid. A Farce 

in One Act. By J. M. Morton, 3 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

14. Brotlier Bill and Me. A Farce in 

One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 
3 Female characters, 

15. Done on Both Sides. A Farce in 

One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

16. Dunducketty's Pic nic. A Farce 

in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 
• Male, 3 Female characters. 

17. I've written to BroHvne. A Farce 
~ in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 

, Male, 3 Female characters. 



18. Hiendine a Hand. A Farce in One 

Act. By a. A. A'Becket. 3 Male, 

2 Fpmale characters. 

19. My Precious Betsy. A Farce in 

One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 
4 Female characters. 

20. My Turn Bfext. A Farce in One Act. 

By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Fe- 
male characters. 

21. IVine Points ol the Law^. A Com- 

edy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 
4 Male, 3 Female characters. 

22. The Phantom Breakfast. A 

Faroe in One Act. By Charles Sel- 
by. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. ■ 

Dandelions Dodges. A Farce in 
One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

A Slice of Luck. A Farce in One 
Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 2 
Female characters. 

Always Intended. A Comedy in 
One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 
Male. 3 Female characters. 

A Bull in a China Shop. A Com- 
edy in Two Acts. By Charles Mat- 
thews. 6 Male, 4 Female characters. 
27. Another Crlass. A Drama in One 
Act. By Thomas Morton. Male, 

3 Female characters. 
Bo^vled Out, A Farce in One Act. 

By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female 
characters. 

Cousin Tom. A Commedietta in 
One Act. By George Koberts. 3 
Mule, 2 Female characters. 

Sarah's foung Man. A Farce in 
One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

Hit Him, He has IVo Friends. 
A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates 
and N. H. Harrington, 7 Male, 3 
Female characters. 

The Christening. A Farce in One 
Act. By J. B. Buckstone, 5 Male, 
Female characters. 

A Kace for a Widb^v. A Farce 
in One Act. By Thomas J* Wil- 
liams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters. 

Your Hiife's in Danger. A Farce 
in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

True unto Death. A Drama in 
Two Acts. By J. Sheridan Knowles 
6 Male, 2 Female characters. 



23, 



25. 



26. 



28. 



29. 



30, 



31. 



32, 



33. 



34. 



35. 



f uC/rj£)D^Qe ' kQCJj'>Z)k0^OC4^Cx0Q0^0£)O0OQCOt)£)O^ 



AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. 



A FAECE. 



IIT 01^TE -A-CO?. 



J;^''mp^MORTON, E 



SQ. 



BOSTON: 

GEO. M. BAKER & CO. 

149 Washington Sti^kkt. 






AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. 



CHARACTEKS. 



Horatio Thomas Sparkins 

Major Volley 

Pivot (A Lawyer) 



London, Adelphi 

Theatre, 1858. 
Mr. IJ. "Webster. 
Mr. Sclby. 
Mr. C. J. Smith. 

Mrs. Puddifoot Mrs. Chattcrlcy. 

Fanny Vollet Miss llayman, 

Matilda Jones (Aunt Charlotte^s 

Maid) .... 

Guests, &c., &c. 



Boston Museum, 

1865. 

Mr. F. Hardenburg. 

Mr. R. F, McCliumin. 

Mr. Woolf. 

Miss M. Parker. 
Mrs. T. M. Hunter. 

Mrs. F. Williams. 



SCENE — London. 



MODERN COSTUMES. 



AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. 



SCENE. — An Apartment. Large door in flat, R., with a double curtain 
hanging on each side of it — at l. in flat, a door leading into a consena- 
tory, ichich is seen beyond — at L. V. E., the general door of entrance — 
between this door and l. 1 £. a fireplace — doors, R. u. E. and R. 2 e. 
— a piano, sofa, easy chair, table, Sfc. SjC, 

Matilda Jones discovered dusting the furniture. Enter Mrs. Puddi- 
FOOT, door, X. TJ. E. 

Mrs. P. (as she etiters.) Tilda ! Tilda, I say. 

Maiil. .Jl/ffCilda, if you please, ma'am ! I'm rather particular about 
my Mat. You were going to say summut, ma'am ? 

Mrs. P. Summut ! it's really high time you left off murdcrmg the 
Queen's English in that way, Tilda. 

Matil. Mat, please ma'am ! 

Mrs. P. You have now been three months in my service, where the 
very best English is always spoken — the pure unadulterated mother 
tongue. 

Matil. Well, mum, in three months more I shall speak yoiir moth- 
er's tongue, like one o'clock, as your nephew, Mr. Horatio Thomas, 
calls it. 

Mrs. P. " Like one o'clock ! " My nephew may use words which 
ymi may not. I engaged you from a serious family in the country, 
where, I am sure, you could not have picked up any such expres- 
sions ! 

Malil. No, ma'am, I never picked up nothing there, 'cause they 
never kept no company. 

Mrs. P. Now listen to me, Tilda — I mean A/a<-ilda ! 

Matil. Yes, ma'am ! 

Mrs. P. I'm going out — how do I look ? 

Matil. Jolly! 

Mrs. P. " Jolly ! " Well, there's no harm in that expression. Now 
listen — I shall not be back till late. 

Matil. Eight, ma'am ? 

Mrs. P. Lata ! but I can trust you, for you never talk to the police- 
man as the guierality of London servants do ! 

Matil. Not I, ma'am, (aside.) I prefers the Imlcher. 

Mrs. P. In short, you've too much respect for yourself 1 

Matil. I believe you, my boy. 



4 AUNT CHARLOTTE S MAID. 

Mrs. P. Another of Horatio Thomas's favorite expressions ; be- 
sides, vou tell me you come of a respectable but unfortunate family. 

Maiil. Very unfortunate, indeed, ma'am ! My father kept a p\iblic 
house till he got into trouble for sheep stealing ; and then Uncle Jack 
took care of me till he got transported to Botany Bay, where my other 
three uncles had been sent afore him ; so you see, we are a very unfor- 
tunate family, ma'am ! 

i)/rs. P. Tilda, if you're a good girl, you shall never want a good 
liome ; and who knows but I may find a husband for j'ou ? 

Matil. I have no wish to leave you, ma'am, (aside) nor young 
master neither — he is the husband I've got in ?»y eye. 

Mrs. P. By-the-by, Matilda, who was that Life Guardsman I saw 
coming up the area steps yesterday evening ? 

Matil, (confused.) I think I heard the cook say he was her cousin, 
ma'am. 

Mi's. P. Indeed ! the number of cousins that woman has in the Life 
Guards is perfectly extraordinary. 

Matil. What shawl will you put on, ma'am ^ this here ! (taking 
shawl- ojf back of chair.) 

Mrs. P. Yes, that will do very well. (IiIatilda puts on shaicl.) 
How do I look ? 

Matil. Quite the cheese, ma'am, I assure you. 

Jlirs. P. " Quite the cheese ! " Another of Horatio Thomas's fa- 
voi-ite expressions. Well, now I'm off. By-the-by, don't forget that 
I want those red curtains taken down, and the white ones put-up. 
(pointing to cicrtains over c. D.) 

Matil. Very well, ma'am ; when you come back you'll find it as 
right as ninepence. v 

M7-S. P. " Right as ninepence ! " another of Horatio Thomas's fa- 
vorite expressions. Now go and see if he's ready ! 

Matil. (modestly.) Ma'am ! 

Mrs. P. I say, go to my nephew's room, and see if he's dressed. 

Matil. Lawks, ma'am ; su])pose I go to his room, and find he ain't 
dressed ? I should faint away as dead as mutton. ■«*' 
" Mrs. P. " As dead as mutton ! " another of Horatio Thomas's fa- 
vorite expressions ! True ! (aside.) She's very ignorant ; but then 
she's brimful of virtue and innocence, and all that sort of thing ! 
(aloud.) I'll call Horatio Thomasr^— don't be afraid — if he's un- 
dressed, he won't come, (goes to Ui-^side.) Horatio Thomas, ar& you 
ready ? '^ 

Spark, (without.) Almost. I've put my right boot on my left leg — 
I mean my left leg into my right boot, and I can't get it out again. 
I've done it — it's all right. 

Enters frotn u. door, in fashionable suit — white hid gloves, smart blue 
and tcJdte spotted satin tie — he can'ies his coat over his arm. 

Here I am. 

Matil. (turning away.) Oh, lawks ! 

Mrs. P. My dear Horatio, why didn't you put on your coat before 
you came in ? 

Spark. Because I couldn't! Either I'm too big for the coat — or 
the coat's too small for me — I don't know which ! 



AUNT CUAULOTTE S MAIP. 6 

Mrs. P. Matilda, help Mr. Horatio Thomas on with his coat. 
Madl. Yes, ina'ani ! {^nssif^ts him on with it.) 
tij>ark. (cold!//.) I thank you, Matilda. 

Madl. {tenderly, and unperceivcd bij Mrs. Puddifoot.) Oh, Horatio 
Thomas ! 

Spark, (aside to Iter.) Hush ! not so loud ! I foci Matilda Jones's 
eyes going through me like a pair of gimlets ! 
Mrs. P. Mercy on mc ! Horatio ! 
Spark. What's the matter now r 

iFrs. P. What's this thing you've got round your neck ? {laying 
hold of neckcloth.) A blue and white neckcloth on such a day as this ? 
Spark, {iitterniptincj and covgJiitig.') Ahem ! The fact is, my com- 
plexion being naturally blue and white, I thought — 

Mrs, P. Matilda, go into my nephew's room, and fetch a white 
cravat. 

Matil. Yes, ma'am ! {as she passes Horatio, she stops and sags in 
his ear,) A white cravat ? what's up ? 

Spark, {alarmed, aside to her.) Nothing ! merely to put on, that's all ! 
Madl. Horatio Thonvis, take care — I smell a rat ! [E.iit, R. D. 

Spark, {oxide.) She says she smells a rat ! I'm horribly afraid she 
docs ! {to Mrs. P.) Aunt Charlotte, may I venture respcclfully to 
inciuire why it has lately seemed necessary to your earthly felicity that 
I sliould wear nothing but white chokers — I mean neckcloths? If 
you intend mo for the haberdashery line, or the undertaking business 
— say so at once. 

Mrs.' P. Surely, Horatio, you wouldn't present yourself before your 
bride elect in a colored cravat i 

Spark. Hush ! {looking anxiously totrards R. r.) 
Mrs. P. On the very day, too, when the preliminaries of your mar- 
riage with Miss Fanny Volhy — 
Spark, {atixiouslg.) Hush ! 
Mrs. P, Are going to be arranged. 

Spark, {in an agony.) Hush ! there's no necessity for shouting out 
at the top of your voice in that way. 

Mrs. P, Shouting out ! why, what's the matter ? 
Spark. Nothing ! Only you needn't make it the talk of the ser- 
vants ! I know I'm going to be married, but that's no reason the 
people in the next county sliould know ! 

Re-enter Matilda, r. d., with white cravat. 

Matil, {handing the cravat.) Here you are, sir, white as snoAV, and 
lots of starch. 

Spark. I thank you, Matilda, (taking off necktie, and jmtting on n-hite 
otie.) Tra, la, la, la ! (trying to sing.) 

Mrs. P. Tie it for him, ^latilda ! 

Spark. Pooh, pooh ! I sujiijose I shan't be allowed to brush my 
own hair, or clean my own teeth next ! 

Mrs. P. I insist upon it ! 

Matil. Very well, ma'am, (hrgins tying cravat.) Now, sir, look in 
mv face, or I "an't tic it ! (fixing her eyes upon Horatio, who tries to 
trhislle.) 

) • . 



6 AUNT CHAKLOTTE S MAID. 

Mrs. P. A blue and white cravat would have been such a bad com- 
pliment to dear Fanny. 

Spark. Ahem ! (trying to get tip a whistle.') 

Matil. (in a low, angry tone to Horatio.) ".Dear Panny," eh ? I 
heard it ! I'm almost choking ! (tying the neckcloth very tight.) 

Spark, {almost throttled.) If you come to that, so am I ! 

Mrs. P. By-the-by, ^Matilda, has Mr. Smith the silversmith sent 
home the pair of bracelets — , . 

Spark, (singing, and interrupting her.) "I'd be a butterfly — born 
in a bower " — 

Matil. The bracelets, ma'am ? 

Mrs. P. Yes, which my nephew ordered yesterday as a present for 
Miss — 

Spark, {singing again, and very loud.) 

Hokee pokee, wankee fum, 

How do you like your tatoes done ? 

{aside.) I have the highest possible regard far Aunt Charlotte ; but, 
if she was under the centre arch of Blackfriars Bridge at this moment, 
with a paving stone round her neck, I should feel gratified beyond 
measure. 

Mrs. P. Never mind ! it's of no consequence; we'll call for them on 
our way ; for, of couise, on such an occasion some present or other is 
always expected from the happy — 

Spark, {singing.) " Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves," &c. 
{aside.) There'll be murder presently, I'm sure there will. 

Mrs. P. So come along, Horatio. Dear me, I've forgotten my 
parasol — I left it on my dressing-table — I'll soon be back — in the 
mean time, Matilda, brush Horatio Thomas's new beaver hat. {2wint- 
ing to hat box on table.) Hitherto he has always worn silk ones, but 
on sucli an interesting occafiion as this — 

Spark, {suddenly.) " Wait for the wagon — wait for the wagon." 

Mrs. P. As I said before, I'll soon be back. [Exit, l. 1 e. 

Matil. {toatches' Mrs. P., and advances and grasps Horatio bij the 
arm.) Horatio Thomas ! 

Spark, {indifferently.) Eh ? well ? 

Matil. Who is this Miss Fanny ? {violently.) 

Spark. Humph ! 

Matil. Who is this Miss Fanny ? 

Spark. Fanny — Fanny! Oh! perhaps you mean — no! her name's 
Sarah ! I don't know any Fanny. 

Matil. Indeed ! You do not know any Fanny, eh ? and yet {^fiercely) 
you give her a pair of bracelets ! Pshaw ! tell that to the marines, 
the tailors won't believe you. 

Spark, {aside.) Tailors ! she means sailors. I must humbug her. 
{aloud.) Ha, ha, ha ! you're surprised at my making a present to a 
lady I don't know ? It's a custom we have in London ! When a 
young man enters fashionable society, he invariably makes a present 
of a pair of bracelets to every woman he knows — I mean every 
woman he doesn't know — consequently, it is not to be wondered at — 
in fact it's only natural that I — now you know all about it. 



AUNT CUAULOTTE S MAID. 7 

Matil. {jioho has taken the hat out of box, and is hnishing it the irrong 
way.) I know this about it, Horatio Thomas, that you don't budjje 
out of the house ! 

i<park. But Aunt Charlotte insists upon mj' budging ! 

Matil. {snaj^ping fingers.') That for Aunt Charlotte ! Ilcre you are, 
and here you stops ! 

Ejiter Mrs. Puddifoot, l. 1 e. 

Mrs. P. ■ Now, Horatio, I'm ready. 

Matil. Here is your hat, sir. (^presenting hat to him.') 

Spark. I thank you, Matilda, (^puts it on.) 

Mrs. P. Conio along ! 

Spar/c. Yes, but — {throioing a look at Matilda, who is dusting chair 

— aside.)- If I could only manage to sneak out. (turns his aunt round, 
and finds Matilda's eye fixed upon him, and pointing icith dusting brush 
to the floor, signifying that he must stop — aside.) It's more tlian my 
life's worth to go, so I must endeavor to humbug Aunt Charlotte. 
(^putting his hand up 'to his cheek suddenly.) Oh! oh! 

Mrs. P. What's the matter ? 

Spark. My tooth ! Oh, oh ! 

Matil. Oh, poor young master! There — sit down, (making him 
sit doicn.) 

Mrs. P. Dear, dear, how very unfortunate ! Which is tlie bad 
tooth ? Let me see it. 

Spark, (aside.) You'd be very clever if you could see it. (aloud.) 
Oh! oh! 

Mrs, P. I don't recommend young people to have their teeth drawn, 
still on such an interesting occasion as this — ^* 

Spark, (very loud, and stamping his feet on the floor.) Oh, oh, oh ! 
(aside.) This is precious hot work — I can't keep it up much longer. 

Mrs. P. Matilda, run for the dentist. 

Matil. Yes, ma'am. 

Spark. No, no ! I'm a little easier just now — perhaps the tooth 
will come out of itself — and, perhaps, if I were to go out into the 
fresh air for an hour or so — (getting vp — Matilda pinches his arm.) 
01), it's come on again ! (falling into chair again, and stamping his 
feet.) 

Mrs. P. It's a very odd thing ! but I've observed lately that you 
invariably have an attack of toothache — 

Spark. Whenever you want nic to go out with you. Yes, it is odd 

— in iny opinion it's all stomach. 

Mrs. P. Goodness gracious, Horatio ! what's the matter with your 
hat — (taking it off) — the nap's all the wrong way. 

Spark. Yes — stomach again, 

Mrs. P. Well, it can't be helped. So you must stop at home, and 
muffle your head up well in flannel. 

Mqlil. A capital thing, ma'am ! (faking a small white sh aid from off 
her shoulders, and tying it round his head.) There ! 

Spark, (aside.) A pretty guy I must look. 

Mrs. P. As soon as I'm gone, Matilda will make j'ou a camomile 
poultic'c, whicli you Tuust i^np constantly applied. 



g _ AtJNT CHARLOTTE S MAID. 

Mafil. Yes, ma'am, but I think mustard would be better ! 

Spark. Thank you ! (aside.) She's a fiend ! 

Mrs. P. And when the paroxysm has passed, you can join me at 
the Major's, and in the mean time I'll explain your absence to your 
dear Fanny. 

Spark, {violently.) Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! 

Mrs. P. Come along, Matilda, and call a cab for me. 

Matil. Yes, ma'am. 

(Mrs. p. ffoes otit, l. tj. e. — Matilda abozit to follow — stops — funis 

— and makes a sign to Horatio to remain where he is, then follows Mrs. 
P. out.) 

Spark. (watcJiing them out — then snatching shawl off his head, and 
advancing.) This is a pleasant state of affairs, to be obliged to stop at 
home with an imaginary toothache. Here am I — Horatio Thomas 
Sparkins, twenty-five years of age, five hundred pounds a year, with 
considerable personal attractions, and no profession — consequently 
people imagine I can do what I lilce, think what I like, say Avhat I like, 
eat what I like, drink what I like — deuce a bit ! I'm a slave, a menial, 
a serf, a nigger — and why ? I'll tell you why — and let the junior 
members of the masculine sex present listen to my story, and profit by 
it. Three months ago. Aunt Charlotte (you've seen her), a tall elderly 
female, took it into her venerable head to engage a lady's maid. There 
are plenty of London ones ; but she would have one from the rural 
districts, all rustic innocence, freckles, and red elbows — and the result 
■was Iklatilda Jones !' — you've seen her, too. Well, the very first morn-" 
ing she entered upon her duties, my tailor happened to send me home 
a waistcoat, a nice quiet pattern — a mixture of yellow and sky blue 

— well, in trying the waistcoat on, one of the buttons came off. ''At 
the time of the accident, Matilda Jones was present, and, in the most 
interesting manner possible, asked permission to sew the button on 
again. In doing so she ran the needle into her finger — fainted, and 
fell into my arms — and when she came to, she fownd me kissing the 
place to make it well. Now, I ask you, is it to be wondered at that I, 
whose experience of female society had hitherto been bounded by Aunt 
Cliarlotte on one side, and fat Sarah the cook on the other — I repeat, 
is it to be wondered at that I should have become fascinated with Ma- 
tilda Jones, from Eury St. Edmund's-? Of course not — so I at once 
set her down as essential to my earthly happiness, and proved it by 
giving her my portrait — a shilling photograph — and a lock of my 
hair — in short, I was actually seriously thinking of proposing an 
elopement, when I suddenly discovered I didn't care a button about 
her — or, rather, that I cared a great many more buttons about some- 
body else — Miss Fanny Volley — sweet blooming eighteen, witli five 
thousand pounds in her pocket at her father's death — think of that — 
and he sixty-three next birthday, with a tendency to gout in the stom- 
ach — think of that. I've managed, hitherto, to keep the affair a pro- 
found secret from Matilda Jones. I've made love to Fanny on the sly 
— proposed to Fanny on the sly, and I'd get married to Fanny on the 
sly, if I could. Oh, if I could only get my portrait and the lock of 
my hair out of Matilda's clutches, I'd snap my fingers in her face. 
I've rummaged all her boxes, fumbled all her^pockets, but deuce a bit 



AUNT CHABLOTTE S MAID. 9 

can I find them. There's only one thing to be done; I'll slow a 
proper spirit, and throw off this nightmare, this incubus at once. 
Here she comes — Uoratio Thomas, be firm ! 

Enter Matilda, l. v. e. 

Matilda ! I want you — nay, more, I require you! 

Matil. (arranging tabic, and taking no notice.^ 

Froggy would a wooing go, 
Hi ho says Roley. 

Spar/c. Matilda, I say. 

Matil. Froggy would a wooing go, 

Whether his mammy would let him or no, 
With his Holey, poley, &c. 

Spark. She seems in a capital humor — I've half a mind to acquaint 
her with my approaching niiptials. We're alone on the premises — so 
that if she manifests an intention of scratching my eyes out, we shall 
have all the fun to ourselves, (aloud, and in a. coaxing tone.) Matilda 
— Tilda — Tilly — I want to say something to you. Come here ! 

Matil. Here I am — well! 

Spark. Ahem ! has it ever occurred to you that one of these days I 
mag — I say I tnag get married. 

Matil. ^larricd ? you ? Oh, crimini ! what a lark ! Marry ? a 
hobbledehoy like you ? Oh, fiddle-de-dec ! 

Spark, (aside.) No symptoms of scratching eyes out yet. (nloud.) A 
desirable match might — I-say might — offer itself. 

Matil. Like " dear Fanny," eh ? (^grasping his arm, a7id looking dag- 
gers at him.) Now, Horatio Thomas, let's square accounts, and come 
to the sum tottle, and that's this here — I go to your " dear Fanny " 
with your portrait in one hand, and the lock of your hair in the other^ 

Spark, (aside.) The devil ! (aloud.) But, as I said before, I don't 
know any young lady — except Aunt Charlotte. 

Matil. That won't do, Horatio Thomas ; you talked of marriage — 
you can't marry your aunt — it isn't allowed. 

Spark, (^aside.) What the deuce shall I say ? (aloud.) I merely said 
so to — to — to — 

Matil. Ah, I see ! 

Spark, (aside.) Do you ? that's lucky ! 

Afatil. (tenderly.) You only invented this to see if Matilda Jones 
loved her Horatio Thomas as much as ever, (he tui-ns awag, and makes 
a lery face.) Fie! fie! for shame, yo'u naughty, jealous boy. {plag- 
fullg, and patting his check, much to his disgust.) 

Spark, (aside, and suddenly.) Jealous ! by Jove, that's not a bad 
idea ! (aloud and suddenly.) Yes, Miss Jones, I am jealous ! frightfully 
jealous ! horribly jealous ! 

Matil. Ji alous ? who of ? 

Spark. Who of r who of ? (aside.) "SVlw of ? I never thought of 
that ! 

■ Matil. (aside.) Can he suspect ? (aloud.) Oh, yes, yeS, I see ! — 
"you mean that soldier ? 

Spark, (aside.) Oil, there's a soldier, is there ? (aloud.) Yes, Miss 
Jones, I do mean that soldier. Instantly explain that soldier — where 
did you pick up that heavy dragoon ? 



10 AUNT charlotte's MAID. 

Matil. He's not a dragoon. 

S2}ark. I didn't say he was a dragoon ! I repeat, where did you 
pick up tliat Sapper and Miner ? 

Matil. lie's a Life Guardsman. 

Spark. I said a Life Guardsman. 

Matil. He don't come here for me — he is fat Sarah's cousin. Cruel 
Horatio Thomas, to suspect your poor Matilda ! {taking out handker- 
chief, and sobbing.') 

Spark, {aside.) Now she's going to blubber, (takitig handkerchief 
from her, and wiphig his eyes.) Eut I don't suspect you. {aside.) One 
of Aunt Charlotte's best cambric handkerchiefs, {seeing Matilda, ivho 
has seated herself in the arm-chair before the fire.) Now she's making 
herself comfortable in Aunt Charlotte's arm-chair, {looks at watch.) 
Seven o'clock, and I promised to be with Fanny at a quarter past 
seven — if I could only manage to slip out. {putting on his hat, and 
making for door, l.) 

Matil. Horatio Thomas ! 

.Spark. Eh ? {stopping, and taking off his hat, which he holds behind 
him.) ^ 

Matil. Put some coals on the fire, there's a dear — you'll find the 
scuttle outside the door, {falling back in the arm-chair, and tiirning 
over the leaves of a book.) 

'* Spark, {aside.) Was it to hand about coal-scuttles that I put on 
straw-colored kids and a white choker — this is the result of familiar- 
izing oneself with one's servant. Oh, if I could only get back my 
portrait and that lock of my hair — wouldn't I — {makes a face at her, 
goes out at C. D., then returns with large coal-scuttle full of coals, tuhich he 
dashes doion near the fireplace, then takes a shovel, and puts some on.) 

Matil. Another shovelful, d€ar ! 

Spark. Oh, bother ! {takes itp scuttle, and empties it on fire, then 
dashes it down again — aside.) Nice sort of work this for a gentleman 
in straw-colored kids and a white choker, {looking at tvatch.) Quarter 
past seven — I must be off. {2nits on his hat, and is making for the 
door.) ' 

Matil. Where are you going ? 

Spark. Why, I just remember, I've important business at the Man- 
sion House with the First Lord of the Admiralty — I mean the Turk- 
ish Ambassador. 

Matil. Nonsense — he can wait — give me that footstool, there's a 
dear. 

Spark, {dignified.) Really, Miss Jones — 

Matil. Now look sharp — you're so precious slow. 

Sj}ark. {taking up footstool — aside.) As I said before, this comes of 
familiarizing oneself with one's servant, {aloud, and putting footstool 
down before her.) There's your stool ! 

Matil. Thank'ee, dear, {extending herself in the arm-chair.) This is 
what I call comfortable. Horatio Thomas, come and sit by me, there's 
a dear — j'o'u shall have the footstool — there ! 

Spark. I thank you, but having, as I said before, important business 
at the West India Docks with the Chancellor of the Exchequer, {put- 
ting on his hat, and going.) 

Matil. {intpatiently .) Do as I tell you, and come and sit by me. 



AUNT CHAntOTTK S MATD. • H 

^ark. (bmiffinrf hat down on table.') I'm coming ! (aside.) A pretty 
b <temptible figure I must cut with my straw-colored kids and white 
crrtvat ; but, as I said before, this comes of familiarizing oneself with 
one's servant, (sits on footstool, and looking at his watch.) Half past 
seven. Oh. if I only knew where she keeps that portrait, and that 
infernal lock of hair. 

Matil. Horatio Thomas, dear, 

Spark. Well ! (sulkil;/.) 

Matil. Aiii't it prime to sit together, and warm our toes by the 
fire, eh ? 

Spark. Yes, remarkably prime, (aside.) I don't know that I ever 
endured greater muscular agony in all my life, (sitting on footstool, 
with his knees vp to his chin.) 

Matil, Now I tell you what, you shall sing me a song — something 
tender and sentimental. 

Spark, (getting up.) You really must excuse me ; but having, as I 
said before, important business at the National Gallery with the Arch- 
bishop of Canterbury — 

Matil. Do you hear what I say ? Sing me a song, directly. 

Spark, (going towards j)iano — aside.) As I've observed once or twice 
already, this comes of familiarizing oneself with one's servant. Where 
the devil she can have put that portrait and that lock of hair, I can't 
imagine, (sitting down — aloud.) I'll give you the last new ballad. 
(striking tip, ad libitum,) " We won't go home till morninpfT' &c.^* 

Matil. (starting, and stojiping her ears.) That will do — I "have had 
enough of that. 

Spark. Oh, you've had enough, have you r but I haven't, so here 
goes again. " For she's a very good fellow," &c. (banging on the 
piano, and singing at the top of his voice.) 

Matil. Come away, do! (pulling hirn away from piano. ^ Horatio 
Thomas, dear, I want you to teach me the last new dance -*^ what do 
you call it ? " Pop goes the Measles " r 

Spark. The measles ! the weasel ! (aside.) People would hardly 
credit the humiliating results of familiarizing oneself with one's ser- 
vant. Here am I — Horatio Thomas Sparkins — five hundred pounds 
a year — no profession — turning dancing master, and teaching a ser- 
vant '• Pop goes the Weasel." (aloud.) Come along! (Dance.) (after 
dunce.) Wheugh ! I haven't a bit of breath left in my body — 
this is another of the agreeable results of familiarizing oneself with 
one's servant. 

Matil. Hy-the-by, where was you got to last night ? 

Spark. Where I was got to ! — I was at the opera. 

Matil. The Hopora ! And what did you see ? 

Spark. Oh — I saw Sardanapalus — no — I saw the Dona del Lago. 

Matil. Did you ! Sit down, and tell me all about it. 

Spark. All about it — it'd puzzle me to tell her a«y//t/w^ about it. 
(looking at watch.) I really can't keep the Chairman of the Middlesex 
bessions waiting any longer. 

Matil. Nonsense! Now begin! 

Sjiark. Well, then, after the overture, the curtain rises, and dis- 
covers a mountainous country in the — Bay of Hiscay, with Mount 
Vesuvius ill the dibtauce. Well, a flourish of trumpets is heard, and 



12 AUNT CHAELOTTE S MAID. 

the King of Prussia, attended by his faithful mandarins, comes in, 
and in a very spirited duetto, which he sings with three of his prin- 
cipal Janissaries — you're told that his nephew, the youthful Ma- 
zeppa — 

Matil. Mazeppa? law — I saw him last week at Astley's. 

Spark. He may have been at Astley's ^when you saw him, but he 
was at the opera last night. Never mind — as I was saying, we're 
told that the youthful Mazeppa is in love with the daughter of the 
Chinese Ambassador, Prince Poniatowski, and that his presumptuous 
passion being discovered, he is condemned either to be drowned in a 
butt of malmsey, or to shoot an apple from the head of his only 
daughter, the youthful Dona del Lago, so christened after her uncle, a 
Portuguese nobleman — but at that interesting moment, on rush the 
Dutch troops, with Columbus at their head — Tableau — the lovers 
are united — the curtain descends — and — [dragging out his watch 
again.) 'Pon my life, I shall be too late for the commander-in-chief ! 
(^putting on his hat, and going.') 

Matil. Stop — Missus told me to change them there curtains — so, 
before you go, bring us in the steps, will you, dear ? 

Spark, [dignified.') Miss Jones ! 

Matil. [impatiently.) Bring me the steps, I say ! Come, look alive 1 

Spark, [^ivith a wrg face — auide.) Considering all things, I have 
reason to congratulate myself on having put on straw-colored kids 
and a white choker ! 

\Exit, L. D., ajid returns with pair of double steps, which he places near 
curtains, R. C. 

Matil. Thankee ! And now, while I go for the other curtains, you'll 
take down those, won't you, dear ? 

Spark. Miss Jones ! [dignified.) 

Matil. You will take down those, I say! Now jump up ! [Exit, r. 

Spark. Jump up ! This comes, as I've observed before, of familiar- 
izing oneself with one's servant, [by this time he has climbed to the top 
of the steps.) A pretty state my straw-colored kids will be in. 

Major. [ivitJiout, L.) All right — I'll find him. Horatio Thomas, 
where are you ? 

Spark. Zounds ! the Major, my father-in-law ! (Horatio takes out 
pocket handkerchief, and ties up his face.) 

Enter Major, door, l. v. e. 

Major. Where the deuce is he ? [seeing him.) Halloa ! what are 
you doing up there ? 

Spark. Eh ! [bothered, and not knowirig what to say.) Up here ! so I 
am, I declare ! If you'd got such a toothache as I have, you'd be glad 
to get up anj-whcre — Oh ! 

Major. Poor fellow ! [gets iq) one side of the .iteps as Hoeatio gets 
doicn the other — looking down from top of steps, a7id seeing Hohatio.) 
Halloa ! [cmni?ig down as Horatio goes up — looking up from bottom 
of steps, and seeing Horatio at the top again.) Halloa ! now let's per- 
fectly understand one another : will you stop where you are till I get 
up, or shall I stop where I am till you get down ? 

Spark. It's just the same to me. 

Major. Very well, then I'll get up. [ascending.) 



AUNT charlotte's MAID. 13 

Spark. And I'll get down, {descending.) 

Major. No, no ; stop Avhere you are. {inounts to top.) How deuced 
unlucky that toothaolie of yours ! Such a disappointment to poor 
Panny ! 

Spark. Hush ! lower ! lower ! 

Major. You wish me to g«t lower ? Oh ! very well ! (^getting doxcn 
a feio steps.) 

Spark. No ! {pulling him vp.) I mean, speak lower. 

Major. Now take my advice — get mesmerized, and you'll get rid 
of your toothache. 

Spark. Mesmerized ! I forgot, you believe in animal magnetism. 

Major. I rather believe 1 do believe in it. You've heard of the table- 
turning, I suppose — a wonderful phenomenon, sir — I'll tell you how 
it's done. Suppose this is a table — it's a pair of steps, but we'll sup- 
pose it's a table — I put my liands so — (extending his hands.) you do 
the same — I repeat, you — halloa ! (during the above Sparkins has 
quietly got dozen, tinseen by M.vjok.^ j^' 

Spark, (looking off.) She'll be here with those infernal curtains di- 
rectly. What the devil's to be done ? 

Major, (who has got down.) As I was saying, I place my hand on 
this hat, so ! (laying his hand on Spaeicins's hat on table.) 

Spark. Suppose we say this hat ! (taking away his hat, and substitut- 
ing Major's.) 

Major. Well, you do the same. (Spahkins places his ha7ids.) I?y 
joining the extremities of our thumbs and little lingers, the magnetic 
chain is completed, and the hat, which is now perfectly flat on the 
table, will first assume an oscillating movement from side to side, after 
which it will become perfectly fiat again. 

Matil. (without.) I've found them at last. 

Spark. Oh lud ! (falling foncard on Major's hat, and crushing it.) 

Major. Halloa ! zounds ! 

Spark. Wonderful ! the hat is flat — perfectly flat ; so come along ! 
(seizing hold of his arm.) 

Major. Come along ! where ? 

Spark. To join Fanny, of course. 

Major. She's coming here ! 

Spark, (starting.) Here ! 

Major. Yes, and all our friends, too i As your tooth wouldn't let 
you come to tis, I propcised we should come to you ; and what's more, 
I told Pivot the lawyer to come too, so tliat we might talk over the 
marriage settlements. A good idea of mine, wasn't it, eh ? (slapping 
him on the back.) 

Spark. A delicious idea, (aside.) Stupid old ass. 

Major. Ah ! here they come ! (looking off.) 

Spark. Zounds ! here, help to take those infernal steps away, (put- 
ting steps into Major's arms.) There, make haste ! run along ! (push- 
ing him out, c. to R.) Here they come ! 

Enter Fanny and several Ladiks and Gentlemen — Mrs. PuDniFOOx 
folluuing, door L. 

Mr.i. P. Now, Horatio, say how much you feel obliged to the Ma- 
jor's kind friends for taking the trouble to come here. 
2 



14 AUNT CHAKLOTTE's MAID. 

Spark. Quite delighted — flattered, I'm sure, (looking anxiously tOr 
wards l. c.) Suppose we adjourn to the drawing-room ! 

Re-enter Majou, c. from r. 

Major. With all my heart ; and we'll get up a dance, and a chorus, 
till Pivot the lawyer comes, Avith the marriage settlements in his 
pocket — eh, you young rogue ? (pokincj Hoeatio.) Come along. 

[Exit with Fanny — Mrs. PuDDirooT and quests, c. to r. 

Spark. Pivot with the marriage settlements — ilatilda with the cur- 
tains — and Fanny here. I've half a mind to rush to the nearest rail- 
way station, jump into the first train that starts, and go straight ahead 
somewhere or other. Here she comes. 

Enter Matilda, with white curtains, r. 

Mafil. Hollo ! you've not taken ^own the red 'uns. (^pointing.) 

Spark. No ! (aside.) I must get her out of the way somehow or 
other, (suddenhj.) Matilda, listen — Aunt Charlotte is out of the way 
— we've got the evening before us, so let's go out and enjoy ourselves. 
How do you like the idea, eh ? 

Matil. Oh, first-rate — where shall we go ? 

Spark. Cremorne or Exeter Hall ! 

Matil. I vote for Cremorne. You're a dear, good, kind duck of a 
dear ! so come along, (taking his arm.) 

Spark. What, together ? no, no, consider your reputation. No, no, 
we'll meet somewhere or other in half an hour ! let's see — suppose 
we say Temple Bar or Battcrsea Bridge ! 

Matil. I will be at Temple Bar ! 

Spark. And if by chance you should get there before me, (aside.) 
which you probably will — 

Matil. I'll wait till you come. 

Spark. Do, there's a dear ! (aside.) She'll wait till I come! that's 
satisfactory ! 

Matil, Good by ! I'll run and put on my bonnet, and slip out up 
the area steps. HecoUect Temple Bar, and I will wait for you — 

Spark. Till I come. Be sure you wait till I come. 

Matil. Of course; and then* for Cremorne. [Exit, z,. v. E. 

Spark. Tol de rol — tol de rol ! Ha, ha, ha ! I've managed that 
little affair to ray entire satisfaction, and now for my darling Fanny ; 
but let me see that I'm all correct first, (arranging his cravat before 
glass, and standing on arm-chair, dancing all the time.) La, la, la, la ! 

Enter Major Volley, c. from B. 

Major. Halloa ! what the deuce is he at now ? he's dancing the 
polka on an arm-chair, (aloud.) Zounds ! what are you doing up 
there ? 

Sjiark. Up here ! so I am, I declare. If j'ou were as hajipy as I am, 
you'd be glad to get up anywhere, (jumps.) Toothache all gone ! 

Major. Well, I congratulate you on having got rid of a nuisance. 

Spark. Yes, my nuisance left me about two minutes and a half ago 
(aside.) for Temple Bar. (aloud.) So now for my adorable Fanny. 



AUNT charlotte's MAID. 13 

Major. By-the-by, Horatio, Fanny thinks you rather a lukewarm 
sort of a lover. 

Sj)ark. Oh, does she ? 

Major. Yes, here she is ! 

Spark, Is she ? {aside.) Then I'll astonish her ! 

Enter Fanny, c. from r. 

Fanny, Papa, you're wanted to make up a rubber. 

Major. Very well ! {aside to Sparkins.) Now here's a chance for 
you — d — n it, Horatio, go it a bit. 

Spark, {aside.) She thinks me lukewarm, does she ? then I will go 
it a bit — several bits, {advancint/ behind Fanny, and kissing her.) 

Fanny, {screaming .) Ah ! oh, Mr. Sparkins. 

Spark. I'm afraid you find me timid — shy ; but I can't help it — 
extreme diffidence is my failing ! {kisses her again.) 

Enter Matilda, l. u. e., in bonnet and shaiol — seeing him kiss Fanny, 
throws off her shaiol, and sits near table. 

Fanny, {trying to get away.) Really, Mr. Sparkins ! 

Spark. Call me not Sparkins — call me your Horatio Thomas, for I 
am your Horatio Thomas, and you will be your Horatio Thomas's 
Fanny ! {falling on his knees, and kissing her hands — aside.) And to 
think of that unhappy Matilda Jones cooling her heels under Temple 
Bar all this while. 

Fanny. Hark ! papa is calling me. [Runs out c. to r. 

Spark, {iclio has not seen Fanny's ex/i — seizitig Matil,1)A., who has 
come down and taken Fanny's place.) Never mind your papa, my 
adorable Fanny, but say, say when you will be — {looking up and see- 
ing her.) the devil ! 

Matil. {with assumed quietness.) So, sir, you send me to cool my 
heels under Temple Bar, do you ? Very well, tlien look out for 
squalls, that's all. {going after Fanny.) 

Spark, {stopping her.) Where are j'ou going ? 

Matil, To revenge myself by showing your 2}ortrait to your adorable 
Fanny. 

Spark, {throwing himself before her.) Matilda Jones, beware ! if you 
cross the threshold of that door, it shall be over your own body — I'm 
desperate — mad — frantic — whoorah ! {advancing tmoards her, and 
flourishing his arms.)' 

Matil. {screaming.) Ah ! Iiclp ! murder ! police ! {falls into his 
arms.) 

Spark. Zounds ! she's fainted ! 'Tilda — 'Tilda ! don't be a fool ! 
I'd slap her hands, only I can't. "Will any one come and slap this 
woman's hands ? 

Mrs. P. {inithmtt, R.) Horatio Thomas, where are you ? 

Spark. Zounds ! Aunt Charlotte's voice, {seizing up Matii.pa, and 
•touting about with her.) Where shall I take her to ? what shall I do 
with her ? {shouting.) Will any one tell me what to do with her ? 
<'d put her in the cistern, only we haven't got one. 

Mrs I'. Hoiatio Thomas, I say. 



16 AUNT CHARLOTTE S MAID. 

Spark. Oh, lud ! {rushing off icifh Matilda, and runs up against 
Pivot, toho enters, c. from n.) 

Fiiot. Halloa ! what do 1 see ? 

Spark, {to Pivot.) Siltnice ! not a word, or PU strangle you. {rush' 
ing off into his room, R., with Matilda.) 

Pivot, {astonished.) " Strangle ! " he distinctly said " strangle." 

Enter Mrs. Puddifoot, c. from r. 

Mrs. P. Matilda! Matilda, I say — (seewi^r Pivot.) Ah! Mr. Pivot. 

Firot. {suddenli/.) No, ma'am, I haven't seen anything — I haven't 
seen anything — I haven't heard anything — I don't know anything — 
'pon my honor, ma'am. Good evening, ma'am ! {aside.') "Strangle!" 
he distinctly said " strangle ! " {makes his escape at door, C. to r.) 

Mrs, P. Why, what's the matter with the man ? 

Enter Major Volley, c. from r. 

Major. Where the deuce is he ? Do you know your nephew is a 
very extraordinary young man ? There's no keeping him in one place 
for two minutes together. 

Mrs. P. I thought he was in the drawing-room. 

Major. Deuce a bit ! we shall find him perched up on some article 
of furniture or other, I'll be bound. 

Re-enter Sparkins, fwn r. d. 

Sjoark. {very pale, and carrying a large brow7i pitcher.) Such a ter- 
rific scene ! She no sooner came to herself than she threatened to 
drown herself in the wash-hand basin, upon which I laid violent 
hands on the pitcher of water, and here it is ! {seeing Major.) Zounds ! 
the Major, {hiding the pitcher behind him.) 

Major. So I've found you at last, eh ? 

Mrs. P. Yes, and you must come to the drawing-room, and sing 
your favorite song, the " Ship on Fire." 

Spark, {aside.) Sing the " Ship on Fire " with a pitcher of water in 
my hand ? 

Mrs. P. By-the-by, we can't make up a game of speculation for the 
want of counters. I think they must be in your room, {going towards 
door, R.) 

Spark, {rushing and placing himself before door.) No, no, no ! you'll 
find them in that table drawer — there ! (Mrs. P. goes to table.) 

Enter Fanny, c. from r. 

Fanny. Now, Mr. Sparkins, are you going to sing, or not ? 

Spark. Yes — certainly — most happy — but — {aside to Major 
Volley, in a mysterious ichisper.) There ! {putting the pitcher in his 
hand.) Hush ! not a word ! You understand ! {runs out with Fanny, 
c. to R.) 

Major. Halloa ! a pitcher ! {upsetting water over his legs.) Zounds ! 
here, stop ! {shouting after him.) 

Mrs. P. Heyday ! what's the matter ? v hy, Major, what have you 
got there ? 



AUNT charlotte's MAID. 17 

Mijjor. Hero ! who, I — that is ^— (heifildcred.') 

Mrs. P. Tlie man's had too much negus, and yet I'm sure it was 
weak enough ! [ahiid.^ You may well have recourse to a pitcher of 
water, sir — drink it, sir — every drop, sir — it will do you good, sir. 
Ugh ! ^ [Exit, c. to n. 

Major. The woman's mad ! but why the deuce did my son-in-law 
deposit this ponderous pitcher in my hands ? 

Enter Pivot, c. from n. 

Pivot. Major, you'll make one at a rubber at sixpenny shorts. 

Major. Certainly, but — {aside to him, and in a mysterious rchisper.) 
There! {putting the jntcher into his hands.') Hush! not a word — you 
understand ! 

Pirot. What's this ? a pitcher ! Major ! Major ! what the deuce 
shall I do with it. (looking about at back for a place to deposit the 
'pitcher.') 

Re-enter Sparkins, c. from r. 

Spark, {speaking off as he enters.) There arc thirteen more verses, 
but I can't reniemher them, {to Audience.) Xo wonder — I can thiiik 
of nothing but that unhappy creature I left stretched in a state of 
insensibility on the hearth-rug. 

Pivot, {at R. n.) Suppose I put the pitcher in here! what do I see? 
a woman ! 

Spark, {running to him, and su-inging him round, upsetting the contaits 
of the pitcher oi'er him.) Hush! not a word, or I'll strangle you! 
{runs into room, R., slamming door after him.) 

I'icot. {after a short pause.) Well, during the thirty years I've prac- 
tised as an attorney, I'll venture to assert, athrm, and declare that — 
Zounds! here he is again ! {seeing SrAKKiNs at r., runs off icith pitcher, 
c. to R.\ 

Enter Sparkins, r. 

S/inrk. It's all right. I've not only persuaded Matilda that my mar- 
riage with Fanny is broken off, but I've actually prevailed on her to 
retire to her attic for the night — but she insists on having her bod 
Avavmed tirst — and no wonder, for I threw such a (luantity of Avater 
on her face to bring her to, that I've given her a dreadfid cold in the 
head. Let me sec, where the deuce is the warming-pan ? I think it's 
in Aunt Charlotte's room, {goes into room, l, 1 e., and brings in vnrm- 
ing-pan — goes to firQ})laee, and scrapes some coals into the tcarming-pan.) 
Tiiat'U do ! 

F'lnny. {u-ilhout.) Mr. Sparkins ! 

Spark. Zounds ! here's Fanny, {hiding the warming-pan behind him, 
the handle thrust up his coat, and the pan hanging doum between his coui 
tails — 

Enter Fanny, c. from n. 

Fanny. Well, Mr. Sparkins, you seem to forget that you invited mo 
for the first ])()lka. {music of polka heard.) 

Sjiark. The first ? no, th"^ second ! {suddenly.) Ah ! 
2 • 



18 AUNT charlotte's MAID. 

Fanny. What's the matter ? 
Spark. Nothing ! (aside.) The warming-pan's red hot, I'm sure it is. 

Enter Major, c. from r. 

Major. Well, Fanny, so you've found your partner, I see ! 

Spark. (I'unning to her, still concealing the icarming-pan behind him.') 
Yes, here we are, {putting his arms ro^md her waist.) practising the 
polka, {dancing with her, the pan dangling behind him — in passing tJie 
Major, he stops, grasps his arm.) There ! {giving him the loarmiiig-pan.) 
Hush ! not a word — you understand ! {takes Fanny's loaist, and exit 
dancing, c. to u.) 

Major. A warming-pan ! damn it! that's worse than the pitcher; 
what does it all mean ? will anybody tell me what it all means ? {runs 
off after Sparkins, calling after him — runs up against 

Mrs. Puddifoot, mifers c. from r. 

Mrs.' P. Ah ! {screaming.) 

Major. A thousand pardons — but hush ! not a word ! you under- 
stand ! there ! ( puts the pan in her hands, and rushes off c. to k.) 
Mrs. P. {shouting .) Major — Major ! {running about.) 

Enter Pivot, c. from r 

Pivot. What's the matter, my dear madam ? 

Mrs. P. Matter ! run after the major ! no ! hush ! not a word — 
you understand! there! {pints the pan into his hands, and runs after 
Major, c. to r.) 

Pivot. No, d — n it ! I can't stand this ! fost a pitcher, then a warm- 
ing-pan. {runs about.) 

Enter Matilda, k. d. 

Matil. What can keep Horatio Thomas so long ? whj' does he not 
come with the warming-pan ? {seeing Pivot.) Oh, thank' ee, my good 
man — I will give you sixpence next time, {about to take the warming- 
pan.) 

Pivot, {indignant.) Good man ! do you know who I am, young 
woman ? Pm Jeremiah John Pivot, attorney-at-law, come to draw 
u]) the marriage settlements. 

Matil. Marriage settlements ! 

Pivot. Yes, between Horatio Thomas Sparkins, bachelor, and Falmy 
Volley, spinster. 

Matil. Ah ! {faints 'on his shoulder — then suddenly starts upright 
again, grasps him by the arm, and drags him forward.) Listen to me, 
old 'un — I don't icish to hurt j'ou, but if you don't prevent this mar- 
riage, Pll kill you. 

Pivot. Help ! murder ! {rushes out, c. to r., dragging the warming- 
pan after him.) 

Ufatil. So, then, the marriage is not broken off! Oh, Horatio 
Thomas, haven't I just got a rod in pickle for yoii ? 



AUNT CHAIILOTTe's MAID. 19 

E7iter Mrs. Puddifoot, c. frotn b. 

M}-s. P. Oh, here you are, Matilda — come here ! here are tha 
bracelets, (giving case.) ^Mion I ring the bell, you'll brincj them in, 
and present them to Miss Fanny Volley with Iloratio Thomas's com- 
pliments ! It'll be an agreeable surprise for hgr ! 

Matil, Yes, ma'am ! 

Mrs. P. Remember, you are not to come in till I ring the bell. 

[Exit, c. to R. 

Matil. Very well, ma'am, (aside.) Now to fetch the good-for- 
nothing wretch's portrait and the lock of his odious hair — perhaps 
when I present them to the dear crcature,hcr surprise will not be so 
very agreeable. [Exit, l. 

Etiter Sparkins, c. frofn r. 

Spark. Fanny dances like an angel ! I could have kept it up for an 
hour, only I suddenly recollected that tliat poor creature with a cold 
in her head was waiting all this time for the warming-pan. (looking 
about stage.) "Where the deuce can the old Major have put it ? 

Major appears at door, n. c, tcilh the wamwig-pan in his hand. 

Major, Can what Pivot tells mc be true ? " Major Volley," said 

he, putting the wrtrming-pan into my hands — I don't see why he 

should, but he did. " Major Volley," said he, " it's my painful duty 

to inform you that I saw a youthful female come out of your intended 

■♦son-in-law's room." 

Spark. Ah ! (seeing !Majou, goes to him, and lays hold of the end of 
warming-pan.) Thank ye, Major — sorry ydii should have had it in 
your hands so long, but — 

Major, (gravely.) Stand aside, sir. (turning toicards R. D.) 

Spark, (siiddcnlg.) Where arc you going ? 

Major, (significantlij.) To your room, sir. 

Spark. Pooh! no, you can't — you shan't. 

Major. Shan't ! (they struggle — the handle comes out, and the Major 
rushes into rooms, R. 3 E.) 

Spark. It's all over ! he'll find Matilda. I shall lose Fanny — 
zounds ! (tossing the hot u;armi7ig-pan from hand to hand, and at last 
throtcs it into Jircplace.) 

Enter Matilda, l. 

Matilda ! then you're not there ! of course not — ; as you're here, you 
can't be there, (anxiously looking totcards R. d.) Why didn't you retire 
to your attic ? Let me entreat my poor suffering Matilda instantly to 
retire to her attic. 

Matil, (in a freezing tone.) Not till the suffering Matilda has obeyed 
her missuses' orders, and presented something she's got in her pocket 
to Miss Fanny Volley with Mr. Horatio Tliomas's compliments. 

Spark, (aside.) She means the bracelets. 

Matil. (taking out a miniature from her right hand pocket, and hold- 
ing it up to Horatio.) Here it is ! 



20 AUNT charlotte's MAID. 

Spark, (a.sile.') My portrait! my lock of hair? {suddenly.') Ma- 
tilda, gi'? e me that portrait — that lock of hair — and I'll return you 
your letters, {producing letters — MatiIuBA shakes her head.) I'll huy 
you ever so many shawls, and no end of bonnets — not one of -which 
shall go on your head ! There ! 

Matil. Catch a weasel — {shaMng her head.) 

Spark. Lots of dresses, loads of stockings, bushels of boots and 
shoes ! 

Matil. No, I want nothing but revenge ! — that I'll have. I'll wait 
till I hear the drawing-room bell, and then I'll rather astonish your 
weak mind. [Exit, L., closing door. 

Spark. But Matilda ! Matilda, I say ! 

Enter Majok, from door ii., irith Matilda's bonnet, irhich he holds be- 
hind his back — ^ees Horatio — crosses to him, and leads him to c. of 

stage. 

Major, Horatio Thomas Sparkins! as Fanny's only father — I mean 
■ — only parent, I desire that you will at once, and without prevarica- 
tion, explain, solve, clear up, and elucidate this article of female attire 
which I've just discovered in your room, (holding up bonnet.) 

Spark. Well, I confess — I confess I am rath'er inclined to come to 
the conclusion that — it's a bonnet. 

Major. It is a bonnet, sir — but whose bonnet, sir ? 

Spark, {quiethj.) Aunt Charlotte's. 

Major. No such thing ! I saw it on the head of her lady's maid the 
day before yesterday. 

Spark. Very likely — the fact is that — I think somebody called me. 
{going tip.) 

Major, {pidling him hack.) No, no, I insist on your explaining this 
bonnet, sir — this bonnet, sir, sticks in my throat ! 

Spark, {aside.) I wish it did, with all mj' heart ! {aloud.) You must 
know that the owner of that bonnet has got an unfortunate habit of — 
of walking in her sleep. 

Major. A somnambulist ! {suddenli/ .") .-By Jove ! here's a splendid 
opportunity of convincing them of the truth of the sublime science of 
mesmerism, {running to bell rope.) 

Spark. What are you going to do ? 

Major. Ring for her of course — I suppose she'd come. 

Simrk. {2ndling him array.) I'm horribly afiaid she woidd — with my 
portrait in one hand and my lock of hair in another ! What's to be 
done ? I have it. {aloud to Major.) She's there — in that room — 
put her to sleep through the keyhole, {imitatifig mesmeric passes.) and 
then tell her to bring you some article or other ' — no matter what ? 

Major. I write ! what article ? 

Sjiark. For instance, my portrait, and lock of my hair which I in- 
tended for Fanny ! they're locked up in Aunt Charlotte's work-bQX, 
and the key's in the china teacup on the mantelpiece ! now begin. 
(Major turns up his cujfs, and begins making tnolent passes frotn himself 
towards the door, increasing in energy.) Go it — keep it up ! 

Major. Whcugh ! it's very easy to say " go it " — " keep it up " — 
she must be in the mesmeric sleep by this time — so now to draw her 
into ^he room ! (begins again making violeiit passes,) 



AUNT charlotte's MAID. 21 

Fipark. Capital — I think she's coming. (Jays hold of bell-rope, and 
pulls the bell.) 
Major. Halloa ! somebody rang. 
Spark. The people next door ! go it ! 

Enter Mrs. Pi'ddifoot, Fanny, Pivot, ladies and geiitlemni, §c., c. 
from R. 

Spark, (seeing them.) Confound it, and I've just rung the bcll.y 

Mrs. P. (oh.servinff Major's actions.) Mercy on me ! what's thifmat- 
ter with the Major. 

Spark, (aside to them.) Hush ! slightly deranged, (touching his fore- 
head.)' . . J 

Mrs. P. (aside.) He's been at the negus again ! — now tnrn to ring 
for Mutilda. (rings bell, and ^IATII.nA enters sloioly, L., and looks stead- 
fast at ilouATio. !Ma.toii turns to company, and -seems to explain to 
them his 7nesmeric experiment.) 

Spark, (aside.) Matilda ! (in an imploring tone.) 'Tilda ! 

Matil. Silence ! I come here for revenge. 

Spark, (aside.) She's got that infernal portrait, and that damned 
lock of hair in her pocket — it's ,all over with me. (sinking into a 
chair.) 

Major, (to the company.) Now you shall see! ahem! — (twnijig to 
Mat-ij.ua, and making rncsmcric motimis.) Now, young woman, I charge 
you answer me ! (turning to company.) Of course you are aware that 
she's in a. deep mesmeric trance all this while, (to Matilda.) What 
have you come here for ? 

Matil. (emphatically.) To expose a faithless monster in all his naked 
deformity ! (the company express astonishment.)^ 

Spark, (aside.) Tliat's me I I wish I was fifteen thousand miles off' 

Matil. I've got him in my pocket — I mean his portrait ! (looking 
fiercely at him, and at Faxxy.) 

Spark, (aside.) Oh, for a trap-door! I wouldn't even mind an earth- 
quake — anything to swallow "mo up ! 

Major. Halloa ! halloa ! what's that about a portrait ? (to Horatio 
— suddenly and furiously.) So, sir ! I see it all — you are the faithless 
monster! (/o Matii.ua.) The portrait, quick ! where is it ? 

Matil. There ! (hands miniature to Major.) 

Spark. It's all over ! (falls back.) 

Major. Now then ! (all surround him.) Now, then, to know who 
this faithless monster is. Heyday! what's this — who's this? A 
LLfeguardsman ! 

All. A Lifeguavdsman ! Tol de rol ! tol de rol ! (daticing.) 

Matil. Oh, gemini ! I've gone and put my hand into the wrong 
pocket ! 

Spark, (to company.) And shall we allow — I repeat,. shall wo per- 
mit an innocent, a contiding female from the rural districts to be trifled 
with by a heartless, an inhuman Lifeguardsman ? Never ! (to com- 
2iany.) Oblige me by saying — " Never ! " 

All. Never! 

Spark, (to Matilda.) Your wedding portion shall be our care ! 
(aside to her.) Here's my share — your letters — (taking a bundle of 



22 AUNT CIIAra.OTTE S MAID. 

papers out of his pocket.) which I, should only have to show to your 
Lifeguardsman — but which I will generously exchange for my por- 
trait and the lock of my hair. 

Matil. There ! (j)iving them to him.') 

Spark. There ! {c/iving papers to her.) 

Matil. What do I see ? A bundle of five pound notes ! Then you're 
a trump, after all ! 

Spark. The devil ! I've put my hand in the wrong pocket ! Never 
raiud — I've learnt a lesson that's well worth the money, and that is, 
not to familiarize oneself with one's servants ! And now polka gen- 
erate ! Gentlemen, take your partners. Fanny — your hand, (all 
take partners, except Major.) 

Major. Halloa ! halloa ! what shall I do for a partner ? 

Spark. I'll find j'ou one. (taking Matilda's hand, and addressing 
audience as he leads her to front.) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going 
to introduce Matilda Jones to my worthy father-in-law ; but, as he's 
rather particular who he dances with, may I refer her to you, in the 
hope that y^ii will overlook her faults — 

Matil. And speak a kind word in favor of Aunt Charlotte's 
Maii}. 

Music — and polka danced by the Characteks. 



CC&TAIN. 



) . %, >. i\V3>:My:iAlQ)(yQaQO0jCK>>'10jCKij0X: ^ OQ)C^^ 



'Q^'e^ 



SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. 



36. Diamond cut Uianiond. An In- 

terlude in One Act. By W.H.Mur- 
ray. 10 Male, 1 Female character. 

37. Liook alter Brown. A Farce in 

One Act. By Geor<fe A. Stuart, 
M. D. Male, 1 Female character. 

38. IMConseieneur. A Drama in Three 

Acts. By Thomaa Archer. 15 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

39. A very pleasant £venine- A 
. Farce in One Act. By W. E. outer. 

3 Male characters. 

40. Brother Ben. A Farce in One 

Act. By J. M. Jlorton. 3 Male, 3 
Female characters. 

41. Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in 

One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 

1 Female character. 

42. Gaspardo the Gondolier. A 

Drama in Three Acts. By George 
Almar. 10 Male, i> Female charac- 
ters. 
' 43. Sunshine through the Clouds. 
A Drama in One Act. By SlinMby 
Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female (jhar- 
acters. 
^ 44. Don't Judge by Appearances. 
A- Farce in One Act. By J. M. Mor- 
ton. 3 Male, 2 Female chaTactere. 

. Bfursey Chlck>veed. A Farce in 
One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

. Mary Moo ; or, ^Vhich shall I 
Marry.' A Farce in One Act. By 
W. E. Soter. 2 Male, 1 Female 
character. 

. £ast £>ynne. A Drama in Five 
Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. 

. The Hidden Hand. A Drama in 
Five Acts. By Kobert Jones. 10 
Male, 7 Female characters. 

. Sllverstone's Wager. A Commedi- 
etta in One Act. By K. K. Andrews. 

4 Male, 3 Female characters. 
'. Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three 

Acts. By Charles Kcade. .5 Male, 

2 Female characters. 
. Blanks and Prizes. A Farce in 

One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 
Male, 2 Female characters. 
I. Old Gooseberry. A Farce in One 
Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 
2 Female characters. 



53. Who's Who. A Farce in One Act. 

By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters. 

54. Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 2 

Male, 3 Female characters. 

55. The W^ife's Secret. A Play in 

Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 
10 Male, 2 Female characters. 

50. The Babes in the Wood. A 

Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom 
Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female charac- 
ters. 
57. Putkins : Heir to Castles In the 
Air. A Comic Drama in One Act. 
By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Fe- 
■ male characters. 

.58. An Ugly Customer. A Farce in 
Ohe Act. By Thomas J. Williamfe. 
3 Male, 2 Female characters. 

59. Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in 

One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

60. A Doubtful Victory. A Oimedy 

in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female'char- 
acters. 

61. The Scarlet liCtter. A Drama in 

Three Acts.- 8 Male, 7 Female char- 
acters. 

62. Which wUl have Him P A Vau- 

deville. 1 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

63. Madam Is Abed. ' A Vaudeville in 

One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

64. The Anoitymous Kiss. A Vau<le- 

villc. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 

65. The Clelt Stick. A Comedy in 

Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female char- 
acters. 
C6. A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, 
and a Tailor. A Farce in One 
Act. 4 Male, 2 Fenuilo characters. 

67. Give a Dog a Bad IVame. A 

Kardc. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

68. Damon and Pythias. A Farce. 

»> JIalc, 4 Keniale characters. 

09. A Husband to Oriler. A Sorio- 
Comjc Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

70. Payable on Demand. A Domes- 
tic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, I 
Female character. 



Price, IB cents each: Descriptive Catalogtte mailed free on application to 
CEO. M. BAKER & CO., 

140 Wabhuiotoh St., Boaraa. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




J^ Plays for Amateur 014 528 467 3 



By GEORGE M. BAKER. 

Author of " Amateur Dramas," " Thf Miinir S'oiie." " The Social Stage," " The Drawina-room Stage 
■'A JJukers Dozen," 4r. 

Titles in this Type are IVew Plays. 



DEAMAS. 

/« r/iree Ads. ( 

My Ilrotlier's Keeper. 5 male, ,5 

female characters 

/»/ Two Acts. 

Ainon^ tlie ISrenkers. 6 male, 4 
female characters 

Sylvia's Soldier. 3 male, 2 female char- 
acters 

Once on a Time. 4 male,. 2 female char- 
acters - • 

Down by the Sea. 6. male, 3 female 
characters : 



Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 fe- 
rnale characters 15 

The La6t Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char- 
acters i.t; 

In One A ct. 
Stand BY THE P'lag. 5 male characters. 15 
The Tempter. 3 male, i female charac. 15 

COMEDIES ana FAECES. 

Tlie ISoston T>ip. 4 male, 3 female 
characters ij 

The I>iicUess of ]>tibliii. 6 male, 
4 female characters 15 

We'rk all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 
female characters 15 

A Drop too Much. 4'male, 2 female 
characters 15 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 
4 male, 3 female characters 15 

A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male characters 13 

Hfitle Charnctci's Only. 
Oeutlcinen of tlie Jury. 12 char. 15 
A Tender Attncliment. j'char. . . 15 

The Thief of Time. 6 char 5 

The nypochouflriac. 5 char. . .. 15 
A Puhlic Benefactor. 6 char. . . 15 

The RunaAvnys. 4 char 15 

Coals yf Fire. 6 char 15 

Wanted, a Male Cook. ,4 char. ... 15 
A Sea of Troubles. 8 char 15 



FARCES. 

l-KiiEDOM OF THE Press. ,S char. . . . 

A Clo.se Shave. 6 char 

'1 HE Great Elixir. 9 char 

The Man with the Demijohn. 4char. 
Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . . 
New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . . 
Mv Uncle thk Captain. 6 char. . . . 
Female Cliaraclers Only. 

The Keil. Chignon. 6 char 15 

Using the 'Weed. 7 char. 15 

A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. ... 15 

A Preclons Pickle. 6 char 15 

The Greatest Plague in Life. 8cha. 15 

No Cure, no Pay. 7 char 15 

The Grecian 1'end 7 ih.ir 15 

ALLEGORIES. 

Arr(t>!i;ed for Music and TahleaHX. 

The ICevolt of the Bees, g female 
characters 15 

Lightheart's Pii.GKiMAtiK. S female 
characters 15 

The Wak (ie the Roses. S female char- 
acters 15 

The Sculptor's Triumph, i male, 4 fe- 
male characters 15 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

The Seven Ages. A Tableau En- 
tcrtainnitiit. Numerous male and fe- 
male characters i.s 

Too Late for the Train. 5 male char- 
acters 15 

Snow HOUND : or, Ai.onzo the Brave . 
AND THE Fair Imogene. 3 male, i 
female character. 25 

Bonbons; or. The Paint- King. 3 male, 
1 female character 25 

The Pedi.eu of Very Nick. 7 male 
characters - iS 

An Original Idea, i male, i female 
character '5 

Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
Restored. 3 male, i female character. 15 



TEMVMKAJ^CE riECES. 

The Last Lo.\f. s male, 3 female characters. ..." 15 

The Tempter. 3 male, i female character 15 

We're all Teetotalers. 4 mah-, 2 female characters 15 

A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female characters 15 

»p~ A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 female characters I5 

\^ The Man with the Demijohn. 4 characters. . .■ 15 



^ 




